Doctor Visit

The worst place for me is a Doctor's office and the ER. I was a very athletic kid and with sports come injuries. I have suffered everything from a broken nose, to sprained ankle bones popped out of sockets, to sprained wrist and torn ligaments. I never look forward to old age when all this comes back to haunt me. Then there were my allergies, sinus problems, migraines and ear surgeries in between and I'm considered healthy. I won't even go into my current ailments.

I've been going to the same place for well all my life. The doctor's have access to all my files so sometimes they like to look over it and ask about it. "Oh you're bunny bit you?" Yes and I wanted to make sure I didn't catch anything, next question. "Oh you got water in your ear." Yes, I have a hole in my eardrum and I slightly fell asleep in the shower now can you fix it. Then she says oh, you'll need surgery for that. It's just water in one ear isn't there something you can do for it. I mean they sell an over the counter product you must be able to fix it. Yea turns out the over the counter product contains alcohol and burned the shit out of me, my brother in law thought my wife was killing me when she put it in. I mean I can help with that but you need surgery for the hole in both eardrums. Fuck me sideways! I'll keep the holes and the water, Thank you very much. (I had both surgeries.) $24,000 and two sealed eardrums later and scars behind my ears making children everywhere think I have bionic ears.

Every time I go I just feel like I get bad news. I don't like it. As a lesbian though I love the "Are you sexually active," question. This is where I have learned to find the irony in the world and sarcasm thrives. "Yes I am sexually active." "Are you on birth control?" "No." "Do you use protection?" "No, why would I?." A smile starts to want to creep in but you can't laugh the doctor will think you're fucking with them. They're begins to look at you like you have just grown three heads and 6 eyeballs. "Why not?" Give it a few seconds and deliver the last line with a smile and all the comfort you do not feel when sitting naked in a hospital gown in a cold and sterile room waiting to be felt up by a doctor, "because I'm gay." All the lights and sirens go off. "OH." Funniest and best part of seeing a new doctor I mean the visit goes down hill from there. Especially, once they stick a stainless steel duckbill up your vajayjay, but it was fun while it lasted. For a few seconds they think your this slutty whore full of STD's and then its like wait so how do you have sex and then bam I'm an emotionless doctor again.

As much as I hate it though I recommend everyone go. You don't want to find out too late that you have something. Better safe than sorry.