MY mind stirs with the thought of the unknown. How difficult it is to catch up to the passions that dwell within when life is knocking on your step asking to be addressed. As I sit here, I think of the fact that the clock is ticking and sleep is escaping me. A full eight hours of sleep before work are never in the horizon. And even then I realize, that I am thankful that at least I have a job.
Writing is a passion that at times becomes clouded not because of the lack of inspiration but rather the time to put pen to paper, the time to make the words flow. As time passes I begin to realize how my anxiety no longer has an outlet to escape the clouded infrastructure of my mind. The demons turn on me beg me to let them out until a release is allowed through whatever means necessary.
Oh how I miss the days of no responsibilities living off the many years of paid taxes which barely earned me a few months of reprieve after ten years of biweekly payments. A few months of receiving monetary assistance well below the payment I contributed to a flawed system. I now sit here in the wake of hard work and silence asking can you hear me? Can you see the words flowing? Are you ready to hear me?
Let's hope I can find the time to write my own story once again.
Showing posts with label Who Am I. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Who Am I. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Acceptance of Our Differences
In my life I have been truly blessed. I was born into a generation where many before us have fought battles for us in order for us to be just a little bit more free. I was born into a society where I could be gay and not be scared of being persecuted. I am blessed to be able to hold my wife's hand and not feel shame. Unfortunately, not every society, not every generation and not all genders have that opportunity.
The LGBT community is a minority community. In some cities there are large groups committed to providing help and support. However in some areas they don't have strong communities. Within the community there is discrimination towards each other. An example would be against the transgender community. Lesbians towards transgender men, gay males towards transgender women. Is it not enough that straight people discriminate but we feel the need to do it to each other.
I hate discrimination with a passion because it so often stems from hypocracy. So many times people dislike others because they hate that about themselves. For many homophobic people they have feelings within themselves that they either do not accept or do not understand.
I recently read of a story of a transgender male who was made fun of by butch lesbians and their femme girlfriends. Butch and femme couples will often encounter men who will say offensive statements such as: 'Let me show you what a real man can do.' It's like dealing with children. I worked with children for over 10 years, I was a kid (teenager) myself when I started. "Do unto others as you want done to you." Even they understand that simple concept.
I was 12 when a 8 year old boy said "I'm a girl trapped in a boy's body." For as long as I had known him he just seemed to have a lot of female tendencies and then when he blurted this out it made sense to me and I went on with my childhood. The fact that he was so young and he seemed to comprehend that concept was a bit peculiar. He understood the concept that he didn't feel comfortable in his own skin but he had an idea of what comfort he was seeking. On top of that his parents were teachers who constantly tried talking to him to understand what he was going through. We all just wrote it off as he was gay. Now I think he may have become a Drag Queen or transgender.
What I want you to understand is that sometimes we just don't feel comfortable in our own skin. A person can feel that societies ideas or norms for their gender don't make them feel comfortable. As a human race we evolve. As societies we move forward we adjust to fit. We adjust to what is comfortable and what our views are. All that we ever want to do is be comfortable with who we are so who are you to judge and bully someone else if you have your own so called faults.
No one will ever be perfect. No one will ever be a perfect fit for a label and its stereotypes. This is why you have to accept that everyone is different. You do not have to accept the why but it try to understand it. Do not judge others if they are not harming anyone. It is not your job to judge it is your job to live your life to the fullest without hurting others. Until you are in someone else's exact position you will not understand them. Remember you never know what is going on in someone else's head. Your comment could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Do you want to hold someone's life in your hand? Do you want to be responsible for the death of a human being? I sure as hell don't. Then again I know that others are different, will always be different and we just have to accept it and embrace it.
The LGBT community is a minority community. In some cities there are large groups committed to providing help and support. However in some areas they don't have strong communities. Within the community there is discrimination towards each other. An example would be against the transgender community. Lesbians towards transgender men, gay males towards transgender women. Is it not enough that straight people discriminate but we feel the need to do it to each other.
I hate discrimination with a passion because it so often stems from hypocracy. So many times people dislike others because they hate that about themselves. For many homophobic people they have feelings within themselves that they either do not accept or do not understand.
I recently read of a story of a transgender male who was made fun of by butch lesbians and their femme girlfriends. Butch and femme couples will often encounter men who will say offensive statements such as: 'Let me show you what a real man can do.' It's like dealing with children. I worked with children for over 10 years, I was a kid (teenager) myself when I started. "Do unto others as you want done to you." Even they understand that simple concept.
I was 12 when a 8 year old boy said "I'm a girl trapped in a boy's body." For as long as I had known him he just seemed to have a lot of female tendencies and then when he blurted this out it made sense to me and I went on with my childhood. The fact that he was so young and he seemed to comprehend that concept was a bit peculiar. He understood the concept that he didn't feel comfortable in his own skin but he had an idea of what comfort he was seeking. On top of that his parents were teachers who constantly tried talking to him to understand what he was going through. We all just wrote it off as he was gay. Now I think he may have become a Drag Queen or transgender.
What I want you to understand is that sometimes we just don't feel comfortable in our own skin. A person can feel that societies ideas or norms for their gender don't make them feel comfortable. As a human race we evolve. As societies we move forward we adjust to fit. We adjust to what is comfortable and what our views are. All that we ever want to do is be comfortable with who we are so who are you to judge and bully someone else if you have your own so called faults.
No one will ever be perfect. No one will ever be a perfect fit for a label and its stereotypes. This is why you have to accept that everyone is different. You do not have to accept the why but it try to understand it. Do not judge others if they are not harming anyone. It is not your job to judge it is your job to live your life to the fullest without hurting others. Until you are in someone else's exact position you will not understand them. Remember you never know what is going on in someone else's head. Your comment could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Do you want to hold someone's life in your hand? Do you want to be responsible for the death of a human being? I sure as hell don't. Then again I know that others are different, will always be different and we just have to accept it and embrace it.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Open your Mind and Let your Body be Free
I love where I live and where I've grown up. I've been allotted this freedom to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've grown up with the ability to not only live within the box but to experience life outside of it and that is what is most important to me. Freedom! I was taught tolerance towards the unknown. There in lies fear. We fear what we do not understand what we do not know.
I want to open your eyes to what is out there, out here, out in the world. Sometimes when we live in a Metropolitan city we are blind to the world outside of the city. There are so many people who can't tell the difference between a goat and a lamb, can't tell you how plants survive, they don't know that some cities don't have skyscrapers or a Starbucks on every corner. We think some people live sheltered lives and sometimes we do too, to an extent.
Point of this that I want you to hear me out. I love to write lesbian stories, most of the one's that are out there and published are Lesbian Erotica. That said, sex is a large part of what I write but more than that is the act of love. Now I know many will not agree with me but for me Sex is directly connected to love. The love of the person you are with, the love of who they are, the love of their body or the love of the act.
All this has lead me to being open minded about trying new things.
My wife and I have been together 7 years and we were pretty new to everything when we first got together. Now that being said we weren't for long. When we got together it was hard for us to do anything other than leave the bedroom, I mean we had months of repressed feelings to get through. It took a while to get past the newness and truth be told it's still new for us.
The best part about being with someone you love and love being intimate with is, finding new things to do and new ways to do it. Explore each other and take your time and never be to shy to ask for what you want or need. Hiding what you want is just going to make you frustrated. One of the funnest and easiest ways to try something different is a sex toy.
I know some people are really adverse and believe that anything on your body is fair game and therefore you don't need anything else and by all intents an purposes you are right. But let me tell you a toy can add an extra something that leaves your mouth and hands free to do as they please while adding some stimulation somewhere else. Just give it a thought for a little while and soon enough I'll give you a list of fun stuff to try that won't be too hard.
I want to open your eyes to what is out there, out here, out in the world. Sometimes when we live in a Metropolitan city we are blind to the world outside of the city. There are so many people who can't tell the difference between a goat and a lamb, can't tell you how plants survive, they don't know that some cities don't have skyscrapers or a Starbucks on every corner. We think some people live sheltered lives and sometimes we do too, to an extent.
Point of this that I want you to hear me out. I love to write lesbian stories, most of the one's that are out there and published are Lesbian Erotica. That said, sex is a large part of what I write but more than that is the act of love. Now I know many will not agree with me but for me Sex is directly connected to love. The love of the person you are with, the love of who they are, the love of their body or the love of the act.
All this has lead me to being open minded about trying new things.
My wife and I have been together 7 years and we were pretty new to everything when we first got together. Now that being said we weren't for long. When we got together it was hard for us to do anything other than leave the bedroom, I mean we had months of repressed feelings to get through. It took a while to get past the newness and truth be told it's still new for us.
The best part about being with someone you love and love being intimate with is, finding new things to do and new ways to do it. Explore each other and take your time and never be to shy to ask for what you want or need. Hiding what you want is just going to make you frustrated. One of the funnest and easiest ways to try something different is a sex toy.
I know some people are really adverse and believe that anything on your body is fair game and therefore you don't need anything else and by all intents an purposes you are right. But let me tell you a toy can add an extra something that leaves your mouth and hands free to do as they please while adding some stimulation somewhere else. Just give it a thought for a little while and soon enough I'll give you a list of fun stuff to try that won't be too hard.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
SEX
Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me.
Now it isn't a taboo or at least it shouldn't be. If there's one thing I am willing to talk about its sex. If anyone knows anything about me it is that I write Lesbian Erotica. I read all sorts of books and I have favorites like everyone else. After many years of trying to figure out what I like, writing is highest on the list. I'm generally considered a Lesbian and I'm cool with that. I mean I dated girls, my wife's a woman so yea I'm a lesbian.
Now because I identify with that sexuality I like to read about others relationships. I live in LA and most people think that we are just like the characters on The L Word or The Real L word. Now that isn't absolutely wrong because my wife is a make up artist and works for companies during Fashion week. I myself work, well its safer for me to not say what I do, this life and that life don't exactly mesh too well. But what I love to do is Cook and Write, two of my biggest hobbies.
That being said I'm sure all Lesbians must have encountered at some point some difficulty with finding someone with similar interest to you.Well when I started writing it was an outlet for me to reach others just like me. Give them an idea of what life is like out there. My stories include a lot of truth to them and that's the fun part deciphering the truth from the fantasy.
Going further I have to say that sex can be such a touchy subject for so many people. It doesn't have to be. Sex is natural as long as it is between two consenting adults I say go for it, just be safe.
Now if you asked me about sex in High School; I looked away I wasn't going to talk about it, hell most of my friends were straight so hearing about straight sex was worse, I couldn't understand why anyone wanted to do it. Then I became lesbian and figured out ways of having orgasms and I was like wait my friends never talk about that part. All that other stuff means nothing compared to the release of euphoria when you're just so tense. When you don't even want to move because you just want to enjoy the bliss. I'm getting ahead of myself.
Just remember sex isn't a taboo subject, especially not with your partner. Talk about like and dislikes, preferences and hell even fantasies they may just surprise you and maybe you can surprise them too. Be open to new ideas to share with each other and be willing to listen as you expect them to listen to you. Don't be scared because of everything you may have been told growing up. I promise you there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex between two hot and horny consenting adults.
Now it isn't a taboo or at least it shouldn't be. If there's one thing I am willing to talk about its sex. If anyone knows anything about me it is that I write Lesbian Erotica. I read all sorts of books and I have favorites like everyone else. After many years of trying to figure out what I like, writing is highest on the list. I'm generally considered a Lesbian and I'm cool with that. I mean I dated girls, my wife's a woman so yea I'm a lesbian.
Now because I identify with that sexuality I like to read about others relationships. I live in LA and most people think that we are just like the characters on The L Word or The Real L word. Now that isn't absolutely wrong because my wife is a make up artist and works for companies during Fashion week. I myself work, well its safer for me to not say what I do, this life and that life don't exactly mesh too well. But what I love to do is Cook and Write, two of my biggest hobbies.
That being said I'm sure all Lesbians must have encountered at some point some difficulty with finding someone with similar interest to you.Well when I started writing it was an outlet for me to reach others just like me. Give them an idea of what life is like out there. My stories include a lot of truth to them and that's the fun part deciphering the truth from the fantasy.
Going further I have to say that sex can be such a touchy subject for so many people. It doesn't have to be. Sex is natural as long as it is between two consenting adults I say go for it, just be safe.
Now if you asked me about sex in High School; I looked away I wasn't going to talk about it, hell most of my friends were straight so hearing about straight sex was worse, I couldn't understand why anyone wanted to do it. Then I became lesbian and figured out ways of having orgasms and I was like wait my friends never talk about that part. All that other stuff means nothing compared to the release of euphoria when you're just so tense. When you don't even want to move because you just want to enjoy the bliss. I'm getting ahead of myself.
Just remember sex isn't a taboo subject, especially not with your partner. Talk about like and dislikes, preferences and hell even fantasies they may just surprise you and maybe you can surprise them too. Be open to new ideas to share with each other and be willing to listen as you expect them to listen to you. Don't be scared because of everything you may have been told growing up. I promise you there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex between two hot and horny consenting adults.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
40 Moms 40 Messages
I know it is a struggle to live in a society that can constantly be harassing you. Dealing with people in your life that are unsupportive or mean. Living a life of shame or distress. I haven't had it easy and it has been a struggle. I don't hate myself for the person that I am and the person I have grown to become. I accept myself and if there is something that I feel is a flaw I try to work on it, not for others but to become a better person.
I know its hard and we may not have the support we need to face the realities of this world. Just do me a favor and listen to this. You're not alone. None of us are. I am here for anyone who needs it. What this is, is a blessing in disguise.
A website called 40 moms 40 messages. If you don't have that ear to speak to or the words to get you through the day visit this site. There is somewhere you can turn to just don't give up. You don't have be alone for the holidays.
40 Moms 40 Messages
I know its hard and we may not have the support we need to face the realities of this world. Just do me a favor and listen to this. You're not alone. None of us are. I am here for anyone who needs it. What this is, is a blessing in disguise.
A website called 40 moms 40 messages. If you don't have that ear to speak to or the words to get you through the day visit this site. There is somewhere you can turn to just don't give up. You don't have be alone for the holidays.
40 Moms 40 Messages
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Exes
Can we just take a second and acknowledge all of our crazy exes. I mean all the relationships, dating and almost might have been that are in our lives. I have been happily married for two years now and with my wife a total of SeVeN years together. In all that time I have encountered some interesting situations.
There are a few people in my life that have been around for about 10 - 15 years. Now this may not seem to be in order but I am writing as it comes to me so bear with me. As a lesbian how many have encountered the straight-girl-friend who says something along the lines of "why didn't you hit on me" or "Am I not your type?" If you haven't, be thankful. If you have its awkward. I mean what do you say, "Oh you're not my type." Classic response: "So what is your type?" It takes a little while for things to return to normal after that. A few girls will feel that they are entitled to be hit on by you because you are their close lesbian friend. It's actually pretty funny, just don't laugh in their face.
Then there is the aggressor, who doesn't think it is even a possibility that you are not interested and they are throwing themselves at you. That can get a little weird. I mean just because your straight doesn't mean you go for everything with a penis.
The best one is let's pretend we are dating and I'll be your girlfriend and cock-block you every time we are out together. I mean seriously you have to hold my hand every time we go out. It starts of cute and then you realize you get all the benefits of having a girlfriend except for the sex. You get the jealousy, Friday night dates, hugging and cuddling but no sex.
Well the point is that I think straight or gay you end up with at least one if not more exes in your life and I have one that is just a pain in my ass. I broke up with her and it was amicable you know we left things on good terms. As the years have gone by we have formed our own lives and for the first few years we were good, you know still close and talking. Then our lives went into totally different directions and well people change. I am pretty much the same except I don't take anyone's shit anymore. Before I used to think its easier to just let them say what they want and if I'm really bothered I'll say something if not I just ignore it.
Well she is not to be ignored and now she wants my life. Her and one of my other so called close friends spend their lives trying to live up to my life. She spends her days making indirect comments, all I can say is I'm over High School drama. Don't come back into my life looking for a reason to make me unhappy. My happiness is not determined by the opinions of others and yours shouldn't either. You can be the most beautiful person in the world and someone will always disagree.
Here is the best advice I can give anybody. Live and let live. Don't live anyone else's life but your own. You're going to lose people in your life and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how much you appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like it was enough. Sometimes you just have to learn to let people go, and let the past stay in the past.
Good luck with all your exes.
There are a few people in my life that have been around for about 10 - 15 years. Now this may not seem to be in order but I am writing as it comes to me so bear with me. As a lesbian how many have encountered the straight-girl-friend who says something along the lines of "why didn't you hit on me" or "Am I not your type?" If you haven't, be thankful. If you have its awkward. I mean what do you say, "Oh you're not my type." Classic response: "So what is your type?" It takes a little while for things to return to normal after that. A few girls will feel that they are entitled to be hit on by you because you are their close lesbian friend. It's actually pretty funny, just don't laugh in their face.
Then there is the aggressor, who doesn't think it is even a possibility that you are not interested and they are throwing themselves at you. That can get a little weird. I mean just because your straight doesn't mean you go for everything with a penis.
The best one is let's pretend we are dating and I'll be your girlfriend and cock-block you every time we are out together. I mean seriously you have to hold my hand every time we go out. It starts of cute and then you realize you get all the benefits of having a girlfriend except for the sex. You get the jealousy, Friday night dates, hugging and cuddling but no sex.
Well the point is that I think straight or gay you end up with at least one if not more exes in your life and I have one that is just a pain in my ass. I broke up with her and it was amicable you know we left things on good terms. As the years have gone by we have formed our own lives and for the first few years we were good, you know still close and talking. Then our lives went into totally different directions and well people change. I am pretty much the same except I don't take anyone's shit anymore. Before I used to think its easier to just let them say what they want and if I'm really bothered I'll say something if not I just ignore it.
Well she is not to be ignored and now she wants my life. Her and one of my other so called close friends spend their lives trying to live up to my life. She spends her days making indirect comments, all I can say is I'm over High School drama. Don't come back into my life looking for a reason to make me unhappy. My happiness is not determined by the opinions of others and yours shouldn't either. You can be the most beautiful person in the world and someone will always disagree.
Here is the best advice I can give anybody. Live and let live. Don't live anyone else's life but your own. You're going to lose people in your life and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how much you appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like it was enough. Sometimes you just have to learn to let people go, and let the past stay in the past.
Good luck with all your exes.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thanksgiving Dinner 2012
The Holidays are my favorite days of the year when I can show of my culinary talents. Psychology is my fascination, sports is my outlet, writing is my passion and cooking is my hobby.
I was never taught how to cook. I had to watch as my mother did and see how I was going to replicate what she did. Let me tell you know my mom is not a great cook. There are a few dishes that she does well but she is the type who sees someone on a show do something and then she wants to be that creative and it doesn't usually go well.
I started cooking in High School, sometime around 15 when I wanted a fresher meal and mom was working lots of hours so our meals were cooked the day before for the next day. Not bad just not fresh. It was a team effort between my father and I, he would pick the protein, clean it and I would make it happen, we have become quite a team. I would get home from my practices and make something for my dad and I; my mom and brother would it when they got home or when they got hungry.
Unfortunately, my mom got used to it and I became the full time cook at my parents house. I then took over holiday and party duties. I am the resident chef at my parents and aunt's house. Holidays for me are difficult in the sense that my wife and I have to split the holiday between our families and usually her family gets the short end of the stick having to eat early, its not easy.
At my parents house it's my parents, my aunt, grandma, my wife and I and my brother. Its fun and exhausting getting to cook for everyone because they are all anticipating my masterpiece and they are all so grateful for my meals and my efforts.
Its a full days event from the preparing of protein, the cutting of vegetables, the making of sauces, watching the food cook in the oven, basting or turning to avoid burning. The few strolls people take into your kitchen to check on the progress trying to avoid looking like hungry starving humans. The smells and aromas circulating through the house arousing your senses and sparking an interest. The eventual phrases start swirling around like vultures: "It smells delicious I can't wait to eat." That isn't going to get the food finished any faster.
The menu for this years shindig was barbecue baby back ribs and a rack of dry rub baby back ribs, an italian sausage basil arugula pesto ritoni salad, baked potatoes with the fixings, and a corn-cilanto cream. Extremely non-traditional. I have never cooked a full turkey and dread the thought that it may come out dry. I made ham last year and I never make the same thing two years in a row, the year before we had New York Steaks.
You see for us it is not about the traditional thanksgiving meal but about being able to spend a meal all together. The ability to be thankful for our family not being separated. It's something we took for granted before my brother was in prison. I try to showcase my cooking talents on these few special days and enjoy the fact that my dad doesn't mind splurging on the menu items.
I am thankful for the moments spent around the table enjoying each others company because I don't know when those moments will be lost. I am thankful for a family who stands by my side when times have been tough. I am thankful for another year of life getting to do what I love and finding the activities that make me happy. Ultimately I am thankful for the woman who loves me unconditionally. My wife is the reason I wake up in the morning and try to be a better person who strives for success. She is the reason I have followed my heart to do what I am not only good at but what also makes me truly happy.
Be thankful for what you have. Remember you only die once once but live everyday. Live every day as if it is your last and stop regretting the past. Every time you regret your past you are cheating on your future. You don't want to look back 50 years from now and realize you lived a life full of regrets.
I started cooking in High School, sometime around 15 when I wanted a fresher meal and mom was working lots of hours so our meals were cooked the day before for the next day. Not bad just not fresh. It was a team effort between my father and I, he would pick the protein, clean it and I would make it happen, we have become quite a team. I would get home from my practices and make something for my dad and I; my mom and brother would it when they got home or when they got hungry.
Unfortunately, my mom got used to it and I became the full time cook at my parents house. I then took over holiday and party duties. I am the resident chef at my parents and aunt's house. Holidays for me are difficult in the sense that my wife and I have to split the holiday between our families and usually her family gets the short end of the stick having to eat early, its not easy.
At my parents house it's my parents, my aunt, grandma, my wife and I and my brother. Its fun and exhausting getting to cook for everyone because they are all anticipating my masterpiece and they are all so grateful for my meals and my efforts.
Its a full days event from the preparing of protein, the cutting of vegetables, the making of sauces, watching the food cook in the oven, basting or turning to avoid burning. The few strolls people take into your kitchen to check on the progress trying to avoid looking like hungry starving humans. The smells and aromas circulating through the house arousing your senses and sparking an interest. The eventual phrases start swirling around like vultures: "It smells delicious I can't wait to eat." That isn't going to get the food finished any faster.
I am thankful for the moments spent around the table enjoying each others company because I don't know when those moments will be lost. I am thankful for a family who stands by my side when times have been tough. I am thankful for another year of life getting to do what I love and finding the activities that make me happy. Ultimately I am thankful for the woman who loves me unconditionally. My wife is the reason I wake up in the morning and try to be a better person who strives for success. She is the reason I have followed my heart to do what I am not only good at but what also makes me truly happy.
Be thankful for what you have. Remember you only die once once but live everyday. Live every day as if it is your last and stop regretting the past. Every time you regret your past you are cheating on your future. You don't want to look back 50 years from now and realize you lived a life full of regrets.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Doctor Visit
The worst place for me is a Doctor's office and the ER. I was a very athletic kid and with sports come injuries. I have suffered everything from a broken nose, to sprained ankle bones popped out of sockets, to sprained wrist and torn ligaments. I never look forward to old age when all this comes back to haunt me. Then there were my allergies, sinus problems, migraines and ear surgeries in between and I'm considered healthy. I won't even go into my current ailments.
I've been going to the same place for well all my life. The doctor's have access to all my files so sometimes they like to look over it and ask about it. "Oh you're bunny bit you?" Yes and I wanted to make sure I didn't catch anything, next question. "Oh you got water in your ear." Yes, I have a hole in my eardrum and I slightly fell asleep in the shower now can you fix it. Then she says oh, you'll need surgery for that. It's just water in one ear isn't there something you can do for it. I mean they sell an over the counter product you must be able to fix it. Yea turns out the over the counter product contains alcohol and burned the shit out of me, my brother in law thought my wife was killing me when she put it in. I mean I can help with that but you need surgery for the hole in both eardrums. Fuck me sideways! I'll keep the holes and the water, Thank you very much. (I had both surgeries.) $24,000 and two sealed eardrums later and scars behind my ears making children everywhere think I have bionic ears.
Every time I go I just feel like I get bad news. I don't like it. As a lesbian though I love the "Are you sexually active," question. This is where I have learned to find the irony in the world and sarcasm thrives. "Yes I am sexually active." "Are you on birth control?" "No." "Do you use protection?" "No, why would I?." A smile starts to want to creep in but you can't laugh the doctor will think you're fucking with them. They're begins to look at you like you have just grown three heads and 6 eyeballs. "Why not?" Give it a few seconds and deliver the last line with a smile and all the comfort you do not feel when sitting naked in a hospital gown in a cold and sterile room waiting to be felt up by a doctor, "because I'm gay." All the lights and sirens go off. "OH." Funniest and best part of seeing a new doctor I mean the visit goes down hill from there. Especially, once they stick a stainless steel duckbill up your vajayjay, but it was fun while it lasted. For a few seconds they think your this slutty whore full of STD's and then its like wait so how do you have sex and then bam I'm an emotionless doctor again.
As much as I hate it though I recommend everyone go. You don't want to find out too late that you have something. Better safe than sorry.
I've been going to the same place for well all my life. The doctor's have access to all my files so sometimes they like to look over it and ask about it. "Oh you're bunny bit you?" Yes and I wanted to make sure I didn't catch anything, next question. "Oh you got water in your ear." Yes, I have a hole in my eardrum and I slightly fell asleep in the shower now can you fix it. Then she says oh, you'll need surgery for that. It's just water in one ear isn't there something you can do for it. I mean they sell an over the counter product you must be able to fix it. Yea turns out the over the counter product contains alcohol and burned the shit out of me, my brother in law thought my wife was killing me when she put it in. I mean I can help with that but you need surgery for the hole in both eardrums. Fuck me sideways! I'll keep the holes and the water, Thank you very much. (I had both surgeries.) $24,000 and two sealed eardrums later and scars behind my ears making children everywhere think I have bionic ears.
Every time I go I just feel like I get bad news. I don't like it. As a lesbian though I love the "Are you sexually active," question. This is where I have learned to find the irony in the world and sarcasm thrives. "Yes I am sexually active." "Are you on birth control?" "No." "Do you use protection?" "No, why would I?." A smile starts to want to creep in but you can't laugh the doctor will think you're fucking with them. They're begins to look at you like you have just grown three heads and 6 eyeballs. "Why not?" Give it a few seconds and deliver the last line with a smile and all the comfort you do not feel when sitting naked in a hospital gown in a cold and sterile room waiting to be felt up by a doctor, "because I'm gay." All the lights and sirens go off. "OH." Funniest and best part of seeing a new doctor I mean the visit goes down hill from there. Especially, once they stick a stainless steel duckbill up your vajayjay, but it was fun while it lasted. For a few seconds they think your this slutty whore full of STD's and then its like wait so how do you have sex and then bam I'm an emotionless doctor again.
As much as I hate it though I recommend everyone go. You don't want to find out too late that you have something. Better safe than sorry.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Discriminated
Have you ever been hated or discriminated against, I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against, picket signs... Eminem-Cleaning out my closet
If you're a minority someway somehow you have been discriminated against. We live in a society where we glorify war and hate love. As a minority you have to understand all the issues that affect you. Issues that try to oppress you.
I face a few issues or problems because I check a few minority boxes; Hispanic, Lesbian, Woman. These are issues that have been fought for by generations before and issues we are still fighting.
Hispanics have faced racism from day one like all the non "Native American" ethinicities before and after them. I don't think that anyone besides Native Americans have a right over this land and they aren't the ones with the problem. For Mexicans they were denied their own territory. The one thing that pisses me off is that some "white people" (I use this term loosely) act superior when they're immigrants too. Now I say white because we as a society define each other by color. We don't bother to study geography enough to be able to discern where everyone is from. The worst part is the term race, we are ONE human race. I know that not all of them have a superiority complex I have met many great white, anglo-American people, but on that same token I have met some racist assholes. All ethnic backgrounds have people with superiority complexes, who believe they are better than others.
Woman fought for their right to be an equal gender. We are still payed less in the work environment and have to face a glass ceiling in male dominated environments. Recently in the elections our right to an abortion was an issue even though its our body and no one elses. The definition of what rape is was questioned by an ignorant bigot of a man. We are still treated as if we have no right to speak for ourselves and make our own decisions.
As a lesbian I am still fighting that battle, we all are. As homosexuals we are fighting for equality. We don't have simple human rights. We are denied rights because of who we sleep with or who we love. Lucky for me and my generation people have been fighting for our rights for years and have won a few.
Recently I went to get my haircut. I had long hair all my life, from the moment I came out the womb my mom insisted that I should have long beautiful hair, her words not mine. When I was 18 I cut it to mid-back then shoulder length. Then finally just short. I went and got my hair cut short on the sides no more than an inch long and longer at the top maybe 4-5 inches long. Now I have been going to the same hairstylist for the past 20 years, I was a kid when she first started cutting my hair. It was for this reason that when I decided to go short I didn't go to her. She's kind of like an aunt and her opinion weighs heavily on me. She cuts my mom's, grandma and aunts' hair. So I went to a different hairstylist for that reason and because my wife bought me a Groupon.
Now for the touch up I went to my hairstylist. And then as a famous Drag Queen says "The jig is up." It hit her like ton of bricks, I'm gay. I feared for my hair and head. My hairstylist is a Jehovah's Witness and I am not exactly a welcomed anomaly. I saw it in her eyes when it hit her. Then my edging up became a little harsher. I wanted to cry because I was still the same kid she had known for the past 20 years. I was still the same person and it hurt. I vowed not to go back. But how can I not go back she's good at what she does and she hadn't said anything.
The next time I went back she was different. She kind of looked at me and my wife and just smiled. I think that the months that went by helped her see that I was no different. She was back to talking to me and being herself and the haircut went smoother.
I have confidence and insecurities. I hold my head up high and hope to hell I don't fall. I make you think that I just don't give a fuck. Everyone in this world has an opinion and will judge you. Its up to you to decide how to deal with it. You can let it get you down for long periods of time. Or you can deal with it, accept it and use it to keep you going.
Remember most of the people who say no to homosexuality and same sex marriage will not pay for your bills, they will not visit you at the hospital, they will not hold you when you cry. Their opinions don't matter let them hate all they want. They're stressing about something that has nothing to do with them. If someone wants to worry about your private life then that's their problem. Just remember there are many communities that are there to support you. If none are in your area there are numbers you can call and you will see that you are not alone. I'm also here if you need anyone.
There is nothing wrong with you, with any of us. We are God's children. A wise woman said to me, "No one is evil, but we all have evil within us. Some of us just let it run our lives." When life gets you down get back because it will get better. Don't lose faith and don't lose hope, we are all meant for greatness. Once you start finding your confidence everyone's stop mattering.
www.GLBTnearMe.org
CONTACT INFO:
Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
If you're a minority someway somehow you have been discriminated against. We live in a society where we glorify war and hate love. As a minority you have to understand all the issues that affect you. Issues that try to oppress you.
I face a few issues or problems because I check a few minority boxes; Hispanic, Lesbian, Woman. These are issues that have been fought for by generations before and issues we are still fighting.
Hispanics have faced racism from day one like all the non "Native American" ethinicities before and after them. I don't think that anyone besides Native Americans have a right over this land and they aren't the ones with the problem. For Mexicans they were denied their own territory. The one thing that pisses me off is that some "white people" (I use this term loosely) act superior when they're immigrants too. Now I say white because we as a society define each other by color. We don't bother to study geography enough to be able to discern where everyone is from. The worst part is the term race, we are ONE human race. I know that not all of them have a superiority complex I have met many great white, anglo-American people, but on that same token I have met some racist assholes. All ethnic backgrounds have people with superiority complexes, who believe they are better than others.
Woman fought for their right to be an equal gender. We are still payed less in the work environment and have to face a glass ceiling in male dominated environments. Recently in the elections our right to an abortion was an issue even though its our body and no one elses. The definition of what rape is was questioned by an ignorant bigot of a man. We are still treated as if we have no right to speak for ourselves and make our own decisions.
As a lesbian I am still fighting that battle, we all are. As homosexuals we are fighting for equality. We don't have simple human rights. We are denied rights because of who we sleep with or who we love. Lucky for me and my generation people have been fighting for our rights for years and have won a few.
Recently I went to get my haircut. I had long hair all my life, from the moment I came out the womb my mom insisted that I should have long beautiful hair, her words not mine. When I was 18 I cut it to mid-back then shoulder length. Then finally just short. I went and got my hair cut short on the sides no more than an inch long and longer at the top maybe 4-5 inches long. Now I have been going to the same hairstylist for the past 20 years, I was a kid when she first started cutting my hair. It was for this reason that when I decided to go short I didn't go to her. She's kind of like an aunt and her opinion weighs heavily on me. She cuts my mom's, grandma and aunts' hair. So I went to a different hairstylist for that reason and because my wife bought me a Groupon.
 |
| This isn't me, it's who the hairstyle was modeled after. |
The next time I went back she was different. She kind of looked at me and my wife and just smiled. I think that the months that went by helped her see that I was no different. She was back to talking to me and being herself and the haircut went smoother.
I have confidence and insecurities. I hold my head up high and hope to hell I don't fall. I make you think that I just don't give a fuck. Everyone in this world has an opinion and will judge you. Its up to you to decide how to deal with it. You can let it get you down for long periods of time. Or you can deal with it, accept it and use it to keep you going.
Remember most of the people who say no to homosexuality and same sex marriage will not pay for your bills, they will not visit you at the hospital, they will not hold you when you cry. Their opinions don't matter let them hate all they want. They're stressing about something that has nothing to do with them. If someone wants to worry about your private life then that's their problem. Just remember there are many communities that are there to support you. If none are in your area there are numbers you can call and you will see that you are not alone. I'm also here if you need anyone.
There is nothing wrong with you, with any of us. We are God's children. A wise woman said to me, "No one is evil, but we all have evil within us. Some of us just let it run our lives." When life gets you down get back because it will get better. Don't lose faith and don't lose hope, we are all meant for greatness. Once you start finding your confidence everyone's stop mattering.
www.GLBTnearMe.org
CONTACT INFO:
Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Proud
I am proud of my brother-in-law. Simple and to the point right. He's 21 and I feel like I helped in the process of raising him. Now, I in no way take credit for it. My wife, his sister, practically raised him from the time she was 6 up until he turned 18. So basically all 18 years of his life. I'm, not going to explain how it worked out that way, but, she was practically his mom for all intents and purposes. When she was old enough to work she paid for almost everything he had.
When she and I moved in together he ended up living with us, strange I know for such a new relationship. It was then that I matured just a little bit more. We both made sure to either take him to school or make sure he was out the door on time. Then when getting home he had chores to do. Then when either my wife or I came home from work we started dinner. So he lived with us his junior and senior year of high school not the easiest in a teenagers life and not the easiest for two women in their very early 20's.
The point I want to make is he made me proud today. Both he and his younger sister see me as their sister at this point so when they have accomplishments they either come to me or my wife and they know we will tell each other. Well he's a teacher's aide at a high school and tell us what he does in his classes. He explained that recently the lessons had taken on more of a discussion perspective instead of lectures. Now just to clarify he is not working with general population high school students but rather the elite of the school, students who are actually interested in college.
He brought up the topic of religion, one I will not really explore today but will sometime in the future. Now we all know this a touchy subject one rarely explored amongst the younger population. Now I will not go into the argument but he explained how in order to have a belief we need to understand what we are believing in. He said that he was willing to listen to anyone's argument if it contradicted his because he wanted to learn and understand. He wanted to see it from another person's perspective and if they can disprove the commonly accepted theory then he could then see their point.
Over the last few years I have met some truly close-minded individuals, varying in ages. Our younger population, usually 21 and under, tend to be very egocentric. Now I do not mean to offend anyone but the truth is that that age group tends to see things only their way and are not open to other peoples' opinions generally not taking advice from the older and wiser, not to say that all of our youth is this way. I can accept that I might have shown signs of this theory and I accept that I was wrong then.
It was an honor to see him open himself to the possibility that what he holds as true may be wrong. It was great to hear him speak of the lack of evolution amongst the community because of a lack of understanding. To hear him speak on the defensive of people against homosexuality was heart warming. I am proud of him because he is truly a great young man that will lead his generation to greatness someday. He is what our youth needs, strong-minded individuals willing to learn, wanting to progress and looking to succeed. An individual that doesn't want to follow a crowd, right or wrong but and individual that uses art to vocalize his opinion.
I am proud to call him my brother because he stands up for what he believes to be true.
When she and I moved in together he ended up living with us, strange I know for such a new relationship. It was then that I matured just a little bit more. We both made sure to either take him to school or make sure he was out the door on time. Then when getting home he had chores to do. Then when either my wife or I came home from work we started dinner. So he lived with us his junior and senior year of high school not the easiest in a teenagers life and not the easiest for two women in their very early 20's.
The point I want to make is he made me proud today. Both he and his younger sister see me as their sister at this point so when they have accomplishments they either come to me or my wife and they know we will tell each other. Well he's a teacher's aide at a high school and tell us what he does in his classes. He explained that recently the lessons had taken on more of a discussion perspective instead of lectures. Now just to clarify he is not working with general population high school students but rather the elite of the school, students who are actually interested in college.
He brought up the topic of religion, one I will not really explore today but will sometime in the future. Now we all know this a touchy subject one rarely explored amongst the younger population. Now I will not go into the argument but he explained how in order to have a belief we need to understand what we are believing in. He said that he was willing to listen to anyone's argument if it contradicted his because he wanted to learn and understand. He wanted to see it from another person's perspective and if they can disprove the commonly accepted theory then he could then see their point.
Over the last few years I have met some truly close-minded individuals, varying in ages. Our younger population, usually 21 and under, tend to be very egocentric. Now I do not mean to offend anyone but the truth is that that age group tends to see things only their way and are not open to other peoples' opinions generally not taking advice from the older and wiser, not to say that all of our youth is this way. I can accept that I might have shown signs of this theory and I accept that I was wrong then.
It was an honor to see him open himself to the possibility that what he holds as true may be wrong. It was great to hear him speak of the lack of evolution amongst the community because of a lack of understanding. To hear him speak on the defensive of people against homosexuality was heart warming. I am proud of him because he is truly a great young man that will lead his generation to greatness someday. He is what our youth needs, strong-minded individuals willing to learn, wanting to progress and looking to succeed. An individual that doesn't want to follow a crowd, right or wrong but and individual that uses art to vocalize his opinion.
I am proud to call him my brother because he stands up for what he believes to be true.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Is She or Isn't She?
All my friends have known I'm gay since we left High School. But my parents either don't know or don't want to talk about it. As long as no one talks about it or says it out loud it isn't true. I've been a Lesbian since I was at least 14 and dating girls few months later at 15. I have never introduced them to any guys since I was in middle school and then they were friends. I don't say hey I'm going out with a guy and for the past few years that my wife and I have been together she's always with me when I visit them.
I know you're wondering how this works. I know of a few parents who do the why don't you get married and have a few kids. My mom isn't the type to meddle in my life, she figures if she asks and I tell her the truth well you can't undo it. She is closer to my brother and I am closer to my father. My brother goes to her and tells her everything , according to her. I know for a fact that he only tells her what he wants her to know. I am closer to my father we don't talk about anything serious but I love to listen to his stories about when he was growing up and the adventures of his youth. We bond over how much we can save on coupons, I know it may sound lame for some people, but its good for us.
When I was 13 I tried telling my mom about how I liked someone, a boy, and she dismissed it and got all "you should be worrying about studying not boys". Needless to say I never told her anything about my life after that I felt so let down. So as time has gone by when she is the mood to ask my life is going I bring up my friends and tell her about their lives to keep the attention away from me. It works every time.
My wife and I started dating when I was 19. We moved in together about a year and a half later. We spend all of our holidays together. We also travel between families for holidays, together. We share a car, she always had my phone and her picture is displayed inside my wallet. I figure my mom knows she just chooses to pretend.
The way I see it is she doesn't want to say it out loud, because then its real. Both of our families are alike in that sense. In our families we would be the first openly gay people. That sounds awkward, we would be first gay generation? I don't but you get me. I mean its not like I flaunt it, we try to be respectful of our families in public so that they don't hear about us from someone else and force them to deal with the issues. The thing is I'm at the point where I don't want to keep putting others happiness before my own.
When I was younger I didn't care about whether they knew or not but now it does feel like it weighs down on me. I think part of me wants to make our future plans known. We will be having children in the future. Our vow renewal will be in a few months in New York and a part of me wants my family there but I know deep down inside that they won't show up, they're not ready.
A lot of people think that as long as you know who you are, that's enough. I thought so too. Everyone handles it differently. Many of us will face many different emotions. Some find that anger begins to boil within for many reasons.
Anger may arise because of how others people's attitudes affect you. If society makes you feel like you can't be yourself, they make you feel that you are wrong. Many may say it's a choice and you chose wrong. Anger arises from acts of discrimination or violence. Having to face people who tell you it's a phase and don't take you seriously. Anger because you feel you have to hide. Anger can be both good and bad. Use it as an opportunity to make a difference, don't use it as fuel to act out.
Depression is also something that is prevalent amongst homosexuals. It often arises from a feeling of loneliness. Sometimes it stems from not being able to receive support from those who we love the most. The feeling of being judged and being made to feel like your a virus that they can catch. Believe me you can't catch it. Also if it were unnatural we wouldn't see it in the animal kingdom. It has been observed in over 1500 species and well documented in at least 500 of them. Is it a phase for them too and if its contagious why aren't all of them gay.
You're not wrong and you're not alone. You're not a virus and it may or may not be a phase. You just may be attracted to a very specific person. Don't let labels worry you it means nothing unless you let it bother you because you know who and what you are. It takes time for anyone to know who they are in order to find who they are meant to be with. You need to be ready to accept this person into your life when they come. Meeting others in the process allows for you to learn from your experiences together. Never regret anything you do or anyone you are with. Simply learn from you mistakes and your experiences, that way it was worth your time.
Don't go looking for love, look for life. Look to enjoy yourself in everything you do. What's most important is for you to be comfortable with who you are.
If I can teach you something today is always be comfortable with who you are. Find yourself while that special someone is finding themselves and together you'll find each other.
I know you're wondering how this works. I know of a few parents who do the why don't you get married and have a few kids. My mom isn't the type to meddle in my life, she figures if she asks and I tell her the truth well you can't undo it. She is closer to my brother and I am closer to my father. My brother goes to her and tells her everything , according to her. I know for a fact that he only tells her what he wants her to know. I am closer to my father we don't talk about anything serious but I love to listen to his stories about when he was growing up and the adventures of his youth. We bond over how much we can save on coupons, I know it may sound lame for some people, but its good for us.
When I was 13 I tried telling my mom about how I liked someone, a boy, and she dismissed it and got all "you should be worrying about studying not boys". Needless to say I never told her anything about my life after that I felt so let down. So as time has gone by when she is the mood to ask my life is going I bring up my friends and tell her about their lives to keep the attention away from me. It works every time.
My wife and I started dating when I was 19. We moved in together about a year and a half later. We spend all of our holidays together. We also travel between families for holidays, together. We share a car, she always had my phone and her picture is displayed inside my wallet. I figure my mom knows she just chooses to pretend.
The way I see it is she doesn't want to say it out loud, because then its real. Both of our families are alike in that sense. In our families we would be the first openly gay people. That sounds awkward, we would be first gay generation? I don't but you get me. I mean its not like I flaunt it, we try to be respectful of our families in public so that they don't hear about us from someone else and force them to deal with the issues. The thing is I'm at the point where I don't want to keep putting others happiness before my own.
When I was younger I didn't care about whether they knew or not but now it does feel like it weighs down on me. I think part of me wants to make our future plans known. We will be having children in the future. Our vow renewal will be in a few months in New York and a part of me wants my family there but I know deep down inside that they won't show up, they're not ready.
A lot of people think that as long as you know who you are, that's enough. I thought so too. Everyone handles it differently. Many of us will face many different emotions. Some find that anger begins to boil within for many reasons.
Anger may arise because of how others people's attitudes affect you. If society makes you feel like you can't be yourself, they make you feel that you are wrong. Many may say it's a choice and you chose wrong. Anger arises from acts of discrimination or violence. Having to face people who tell you it's a phase and don't take you seriously. Anger because you feel you have to hide. Anger can be both good and bad. Use it as an opportunity to make a difference, don't use it as fuel to act out.
Depression is also something that is prevalent amongst homosexuals. It often arises from a feeling of loneliness. Sometimes it stems from not being able to receive support from those who we love the most. The feeling of being judged and being made to feel like your a virus that they can catch. Believe me you can't catch it. Also if it were unnatural we wouldn't see it in the animal kingdom. It has been observed in over 1500 species and well documented in at least 500 of them. Is it a phase for them too and if its contagious why aren't all of them gay.
You're not wrong and you're not alone. You're not a virus and it may or may not be a phase. You just may be attracted to a very specific person. Don't let labels worry you it means nothing unless you let it bother you because you know who and what you are. It takes time for anyone to know who they are in order to find who they are meant to be with. You need to be ready to accept this person into your life when they come. Meeting others in the process allows for you to learn from your experiences together. Never regret anything you do or anyone you are with. Simply learn from you mistakes and your experiences, that way it was worth your time.
Don't go looking for love, look for life. Look to enjoy yourself in everything you do. What's most important is for you to be comfortable with who you are.
If I can teach you something today is always be comfortable with who you are. Find yourself while that special someone is finding themselves and together you'll find each other.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
LOVE
We are whatever we want to be. I want to be someone that I love. I want to love what I do.
Something that I love to do is write. I write stories, post, descriptions, captions whatever tickles my fancy. Currently I'm writing erotic lesbian stories. You can find a few stories HERE. I have created an interactive way for my readers to experience my stories, by creating outfits for the characters on Polyvore. The outfits can also be found on Pinterest.
Each story is mine and believe me if you feel that any character is familiar it is strictly a coincidence because these characters only exist in my imagination. Although all of them are based on something. Some of the views and opinions are not always easy to swallow. They may or may not be my view, but devil's advocate is a role I thrive on. I find it important to understand both points of view in order to defend your own.
The one thing I have learned is, that life is never perfect. When you find stability there is usually something around that may offset you once again. The one thing I can't deny is that I love a happy ending. However, no story truly ends in real life. I want to give you all hope that love does exist. The mistake many of us make is that after our first love, we think it'll never happen again. Do me a favor and be open to it.
At the age of 18 I gave up on love and life with someone else. I had resigned myself to be alone. It was then that I met my wife. She snuck up on me. She was a strange anomaly who was just too happy for me. That was the best part, she was the exact person I never saw myself with. We went into our friendship literally just wanting to be friends. At the time she was a straight, women were never of any interest to her. She was unavailable to me, I mean I always knew she was pretty but I refrained from looking at her as dating potential. When we both realized what was happening well here we are a few years later happily married.
My wife would be considered lipstick to the full extent. Her hair and make up are always done. Heels are a daily necessity for her. Outfits are put together the day before to make sure they are perfect. She packs for a two day trip like were going on a two week cruise. She loves to paint her nails. I mean to tell you how unexpected it was for me to date someone like her, before I met her all I ever did was wash my face and moisturize so everything she did was mind boggling. At this point I can tell you what a contouring brush is for when doing your make up, yup she has been a huge influence in my life and vice versa.
Our circumstances made it difficult for us to even think we could be together and to make it happen was scary. Everything pointed to us not being together not including the simple facts that we were both women. Being of a hispanic background myself and her having a hispanic and middle eastern background was the first of many trials we had to face. None of that mattered though when it came to the person I fell in love with and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; the woman who has promised to spend the rest of her life with me.
You see as teenagers we tend to be a little tragic. I admit I sure was. Although, if you ask my friends they'll tell you otherwise. They may say that I was very mature and confident but I had insecurities that I never showed to the world. I gave up on love at 18 after my fist girlfriend, and I was the one who broke up with her. At that age the world starts and ends with us. We can't see past today to a better tomorrow. I thought I would be forever alone.
So if you're out there and think that it'll never happen, stop stressing. The love of our life may come in the least expected time in the least expected package. Trust me, please enjoy your youth, enjoy your life because its yours and no one elses'. Love yourself first you know you've heard that. Give yourself the opportunity to be happy for at least one day in your life.
If you ever feel like your alone write to me and I'll be your friend. Don't expect me to be fake. I'll be honest with you and I won't sugar coat it. Remember to accept your faults and learn to get past them. Don't just accept your faults and say well I know my faults and I accept them so you should too. That makes no sense. Accept your faults and make the necessary changes in your life to fix or modify your faults. Make it possible for others to be with you and not just stand you. Not changing to become a better person impedes growth of the mind body and soul. Be willing to become a better person and learn from your experiences. All those experiences will teach you something you will need when you find that special someone.
Love will always find a way!
Something that I love to do is write. I write stories, post, descriptions, captions whatever tickles my fancy. Currently I'm writing erotic lesbian stories. You can find a few stories HERE. I have created an interactive way for my readers to experience my stories, by creating outfits for the characters on Polyvore. The outfits can also be found on Pinterest.
Each story is mine and believe me if you feel that any character is familiar it is strictly a coincidence because these characters only exist in my imagination. Although all of them are based on something. Some of the views and opinions are not always easy to swallow. They may or may not be my view, but devil's advocate is a role I thrive on. I find it important to understand both points of view in order to defend your own.
The one thing I have learned is, that life is never perfect. When you find stability there is usually something around that may offset you once again. The one thing I can't deny is that I love a happy ending. However, no story truly ends in real life. I want to give you all hope that love does exist. The mistake many of us make is that after our first love, we think it'll never happen again. Do me a favor and be open to it.
At the age of 18 I gave up on love and life with someone else. I had resigned myself to be alone. It was then that I met my wife. She snuck up on me. She was a strange anomaly who was just too happy for me. That was the best part, she was the exact person I never saw myself with. We went into our friendship literally just wanting to be friends. At the time she was a straight, women were never of any interest to her. She was unavailable to me, I mean I always knew she was pretty but I refrained from looking at her as dating potential. When we both realized what was happening well here we are a few years later happily married.
My wife would be considered lipstick to the full extent. Her hair and make up are always done. Heels are a daily necessity for her. Outfits are put together the day before to make sure they are perfect. She packs for a two day trip like were going on a two week cruise. She loves to paint her nails. I mean to tell you how unexpected it was for me to date someone like her, before I met her all I ever did was wash my face and moisturize so everything she did was mind boggling. At this point I can tell you what a contouring brush is for when doing your make up, yup she has been a huge influence in my life and vice versa.
Our circumstances made it difficult for us to even think we could be together and to make it happen was scary. Everything pointed to us not being together not including the simple facts that we were both women. Being of a hispanic background myself and her having a hispanic and middle eastern background was the first of many trials we had to face. None of that mattered though when it came to the person I fell in love with and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; the woman who has promised to spend the rest of her life with me.
You see as teenagers we tend to be a little tragic. I admit I sure was. Although, if you ask my friends they'll tell you otherwise. They may say that I was very mature and confident but I had insecurities that I never showed to the world. I gave up on love at 18 after my fist girlfriend, and I was the one who broke up with her. At that age the world starts and ends with us. We can't see past today to a better tomorrow. I thought I would be forever alone.
So if you're out there and think that it'll never happen, stop stressing. The love of our life may come in the least expected time in the least expected package. Trust me, please enjoy your youth, enjoy your life because its yours and no one elses'. Love yourself first you know you've heard that. Give yourself the opportunity to be happy for at least one day in your life.
If you ever feel like your alone write to me and I'll be your friend. Don't expect me to be fake. I'll be honest with you and I won't sugar coat it. Remember to accept your faults and learn to get past them. Don't just accept your faults and say well I know my faults and I accept them so you should too. That makes no sense. Accept your faults and make the necessary changes in your life to fix or modify your faults. Make it possible for others to be with you and not just stand you. Not changing to become a better person impedes growth of the mind body and soul. Be willing to become a better person and learn from your experiences. All those experiences will teach you something you will need when you find that special someone.
Love will always find a way!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
The Puzzle That is My Life
The beautiful part about my blog is its mine. Now please don’t be offended I mean no disrespect its just nice to have a place to put pen to paper. Therefore I am free to speak on any and all topics pertaining to being me. Now it will take a long time to truly understand who I am. We are all intricate mazes and puzzles. Everyone can see what’s on the outside but the walls and passages that lead inward make us who we are. The longer it takes to get to the other side the more you get to know why a person is the way they are.
My experiences are based upon living in a huge Metropolitan city, Los Angeles, to immigrant parents. My parents migrated in 1974, they’ve have spent more time in this country than in their place of origin. Now what does that mean for my upbringing? Well I can say that my parents are fairly evolved, unfortunately some of their beliefs have stayed. For example, my mom thinks you should wear your underwear inside out for good luck, or if you see a shooting star pull your hair so it will grow. These are just basic ideas. Believe me my mom faked a heart attack when she saw my first tattoo, they have a strong opinion on everything.
My educational background is very interesting. I went to private school from pre-kinder to the third grade. Catholic school from fourth grade to Senior year in High School. All girls high school to be exact. A public University for my Bachelors. I’m not a spoiled kid who got everything they wanted. I will show you why later.
My brother on the other hand went to public school all his life, by choice. Mom tried to put him in my school when he was little but he didn’t want to go. Yea my parents liked me more, just kidding. My brother is my mothers son and I am my fathers daughter, in theory of course because biologically we are full siblings. My parents were strict as hell, so when I see kids now a days being brats I don’t know what happened to parenting, I digress.
My dad cut coupons to save us money. We only went to the department stores if there were sales or coupons. We went to swapmeets and the downtown alleys. For any one who doesn’t know what they are, alleys are literally alleys in downtown Los Angeles. Alleys are centered around an area in Downtown Los Angeles. There is a specific area called Santee Alley which is located between Santee Street, Maple Avenue, Olympic Boulevard and 12th Street in downtown Los Angeles. There are other places in the area such as The Fashion District, Toy District, Theatre District. This is where you find bootleg and authentic items for a cheaper price.
I got my permit to drive at 15 1/2, my license with provisions at 16 and my first job at 16 1/2, making minimum wage of $6.75 at the time. Then my first promotion at 18 making almost twice as much at $12.35.
As a senior in High School my brother was convicted of conspiring to bank robbery and was locked up for 36 months. Typical hispanic family right, its okay you can laugh, I had to learn to. How did it shape me? Well being only 2 of us, seeing my mom fall into depression my dad into isolation, I gave up the opportunity to go to several universities in San Diego and San Francisco, because I was afraid to leave my parents alone.
I went to college for the first year and a half and my parents helped as best as they could with sending money to my brother and holding down the fort. I covered all other expenses, car maintenance, gas, books, and everything a college student needs.
At 20 I moved in with my girlfriend, which was also around the time my brother was let out. When I moved out they helped me a little less. I didn’t mind because my brother wanted to go back to school and I knew like always that there were sacrifices I had to make. They were not thrilled with the prospect of their youngest moving out, but things were getting tense at home.
Ultimately what all this comes down to is I want you to see that my upbringing wasn’t typical. So please don’t take anything out of context because it and I won’t make any sense.
Bienvenue
Monday, October 29, 2012
Disneyland & Halloween Costumes
I went to Disneyland for the Mickey’s Halloween Party, that takes place in the afternoon, and I was seriously surprised and impressed.
My wife loves Disneyland and therefore I go along for the ride because it makes her happy. I do have to admit that my love for their funnel cakes may play a small part.
I want to say that I am happy at how much our society has progressed. We can argue that it has been slow and that its not enough but we should enjoy those small changes/victories.
It’s amazing to see how many people wear costumes, how creative they get and how much they are willing to spend. What I love most is that young or old everyone loves Disneyland. Groups of teenagers, adults, grandparents with grandkids, families many dressed up. But what truly caught my attention was how many parents were willing to let their children pick gender opposite costumes. I mostly saw it with little girls but it was amazing and heart warming.
Growing up my mom never let me wear anything a boy might have worn but she did let me play boy oriented sports, go figure. I wanted to be a power ranger, she gave me the pink one, I wanted red or green but I knew my role and I willingly wore the pink one. For some reason I thought it was better than the yellow one. Now in no way am I trying to constantly go against my mother, but since then I mainly just wear male specific costumes. Although this may be attributed to my wife and I getting matching outfits but even then I love the guy ones. I remember when I was in High school I bought my first pair of guy jeans and she made me go return them even though I had used my money from my job to buy them. The only thing she was semi-lenient on was my sweatshirts and that was because those are basically unisex.
Anyway, I thought it was very progressive of those parents to give their daughters the choice. Some of the costumes I saw were: Thor, Batman, Spiderman, Captain America, Woody, Buzz Lightyear, mainly superhero costumes. Now many will argue that there aren’t enough female superheroes. And, yes maybe but the important part is that they went out and let their daughters choose their costumes, and after they chose the parents supported their decision and bought it for them.
Disney of course supplied the best of their costumes during their main street parade.
It was a priceless moment for me and my wife. I think its important for us to not only teach the next generations the importance of acceptance but also of being less gender specific or gender biased. It doesn’t matter what your gender is, what’s important is respect and equality for all. All the labels in the world won’t matter as soon as we can stop being preoccupied with our external appearance and worry about the internal frame of thought.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
About Me
A basic question that everyone wants to know is ‘who are you’. How do you answer that? I am who I am, isn’t that enough? Not for most people. Therefore, here is what I will give you and then you can try to fit me into some sort of stereotyped label that has been built for someone like me. You’ll come to find that I do not fit any mold and neither do most. So let’s get started.
As a lesbian (label #1), and a Catholic (label #2) many will face the question of how does my religion fit into this? The answer is simple; every religion is based upon interpretation of the word of God or a higher power/being/energy, by man. Lesson number one learned from going to Catholic school for more than ten years was: Do not take the bible literally. If you do not take anything from what I may write, please take that. Remember those were different times when the bible was written.
The second lesson I learned from the sisters at my school was “God doesn’t hate the sinner he hates the sin”. I had an epiphany that year, I was in the 7th grade and I remember my mind instantly going to homosexuality. My thought was “I don’t care if they’re gay, why would I hate them for no reason.”
That was the first inclination that I might have known I was gay.
My parents put me in sports at the tender age of 5. I played t-ball with an all boys team. At the time, 20 years ago, there were no all girl teams for 5-year olds. Then I went to the minor’s league, same thing there, all boys. My dad was the one who used to take me to all my practices and stay until the end. He would also attend all my games, with my mom and brother. He, however, was my biggest supporter. I also had a mom who loved to dress me in pink pants, pink shirts, pink shoes, dresses but ultimately I was still a tomboy.
It all came down to who I was. The epic battle of Nature vs. Nurture, and let’s just say nature was the reigning champion with me. My mom wore dresses, high heels, skirts and make-up. And yet I wanted to wear tennis shoes, pants, t-shirt and ponytails all day every day. My mom wanted me to do cheerleading or drill team but I wanted to be outdoors playing sports.
Now don’t misunderstand me playing sports doesn’t make you gay. Please don’t stop your kids from playing sports because you’re scared that it will make them gay. Look at all the female athletes out there who are married with kids.
What I am trying to do is show you and help you understand that I identified with the male figure in my family. My brother identified with my mother and he is neither feminine nor gay.
Conclusion: sometimes it’s just who a child is, it’s just the way they are born.
I am not easily identifiable into the pretty lesbian labels which society has created. I wear skinny jeans and lose jeans, men’s and women’s. I wear tight shirts, blouses and men’s dress shirts. I have short hair but it’s long on the top and shorter on the side usually styled up into a pompadour style with a faux-hawk towards the back. I spend time doing my hair and make-up before I leave the house.
My wife says I’m chap-stick (label #3), but the heels I wear when I have to dress up for work or job interviews or funerals, which are like job interviews, make me real lipstick. Although the suit and chucks I’m wearing on our wedding day say otherwise.
I hope that you can see where I’m going with this. Most people will not fit into one cute little box. No matter what you think you know there will always be something to tell you otherwise. Being Gay isn’t just about genes or choices; it’s also about life experiences. I will not discount anyone’s reason for being gay because everybody has and will have different experiences that shape us to be who we are. We just have to embrace who we are and why we are that way.
So to answer who I am… I guess you’re going to have to keep coming around to see what else you can find out.
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