All my friends have known I'm gay since we left High School. But my parents either don't know or don't want to talk about it. As long as no one talks about it or says it out loud it isn't true. I've been a Lesbian since I was at least 14 and dating girls few months later at 15. I have never introduced them to any guys since I was in middle school and then they were friends. I don't say hey I'm going out with a guy and for the past few years that my wife and I have been together she's always with me when I visit them.
I know you're wondering how this works. I know of a few parents who do the why don't you get married and have a few kids. My mom isn't the type to meddle in my life, she figures if she asks and I tell her the truth well you can't undo it. She is closer to my brother and I am closer to my father. My brother goes to her and tells her everything , according to her. I know for a fact that he only tells her what he wants her to know. I am closer to my father we don't talk about anything serious but I love to listen to his stories about when he was growing up and the adventures of his youth. We bond over how much we can save on coupons, I know it may sound lame for some people, but its good for us.
When I was 13 I tried telling my mom about how I liked someone, a boy, and she dismissed it and got all "you should be worrying about studying not boys". Needless to say I never told her anything about my life after that I felt so let down. So as time has gone by when she is the mood to ask my life is going I bring up my friends and tell her about their lives to keep the attention away from me. It works every time.
My wife and I started dating when I was 19. We moved in together about a year and a half later. We spend all of our holidays together. We also travel between families for holidays, together. We share a car, she always had my phone and her picture is displayed inside my wallet. I figure my mom knows she just chooses to pretend.
The way I see it is she doesn't want to say it out loud, because then its real. Both of our families are alike in that sense. In our families we would be the first openly gay people. That sounds awkward, we would be first gay generation? I don't but you get me. I mean its not like I flaunt it, we try to be respectful of our families in public so that they don't hear about us from someone else and force them to deal with the issues. The thing is I'm at the point where I don't want to keep putting others happiness before my own.
When I was younger I didn't care about whether they knew or not but now it does feel like it weighs down on me. I think part of me wants to make our future plans known. We will be having children in the future. Our vow renewal will be in a few months in New York and a part of me wants my family there but I know deep down inside that they won't show up, they're not ready.
A lot of people think that as long as you know who you are, that's enough. I thought so too. Everyone handles it differently. Many of us will face many different emotions. Some find that anger begins to boil within for many reasons.
Anger may arise because of how others people's attitudes affect you. If society makes you feel like you can't be yourself, they make you feel that you are wrong. Many may say it's a choice and you chose wrong. Anger arises from acts of discrimination or violence. Having to face people who tell you it's a phase and don't take you seriously. Anger because you feel you have to hide. Anger can be both good and bad. Use it as an opportunity to make a difference, don't use it as fuel to act out.
Depression is also something that is prevalent amongst homosexuals. It often arises from a feeling of loneliness. Sometimes it stems from not being able to receive support from those who we love the most. The feeling of being judged and being made to feel like your a virus that they can catch. Believe me you can't catch it. Also if it were unnatural we wouldn't see it in the animal kingdom. It has been observed in over 1500 species and well documented in at least 500 of them. Is it a phase for them too and if its contagious why aren't all of them gay.
You're not wrong and you're not alone. You're not a virus and it may or may not be a phase. You just may be attracted to a very specific person. Don't let labels worry you it means nothing unless you let it bother you because you know who and what you are. It takes time for anyone to know who they are in order to find who they are meant to be with. You need to be ready to accept this person into your life when they come. Meeting others in the process allows for you to learn from your experiences together. Never regret anything you do or anyone you are with. Simply learn from you mistakes and your experiences, that way it was worth your time.
Don't go looking for love, look for life. Look to enjoy yourself in everything you do. What's most important is for you to be comfortable with who you are.
If I can teach you something today is always be comfortable with who you are. Find yourself while that special someone is finding themselves and together you'll find each other.
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